Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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