allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
