I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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