Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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