I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
