who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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