A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
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