I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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