Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
