i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I love you.
Bad choice
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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