just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
