hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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