I love black thongs
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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