I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
