I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
