Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
