My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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