i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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