I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
