Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
not ubering you a puppy
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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