got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
