My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
