im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
