so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
