Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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