To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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