so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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