Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
50% drunk capacity currently
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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