I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just pynch a tree in the face
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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