I could make wine with my vomit
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
