I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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