Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
