his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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