Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
