I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Randomize
