I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
