I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
