Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
