he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
