Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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