tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
