I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
