mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
