I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
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