I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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