I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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