I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize