This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
