I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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