made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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