Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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