You're my little dorito
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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