I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
