you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
