She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
