I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize