why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
